Not "Why?", But "What?"

As promised, the funk is over, which is probably good because things are starting to get really busy around here! I was just looking back through my Military Spouse magazine and found something else that I thought was very applicable to my current situation - well, the whole magazine is applicable, but some things more so than others. Anyway, the part that I am referring to is to stop asking "why?" when it comes to training and deployment and instead ask "what?". So, it's "what can I learn during this time? What can I do during this time to grow as an individual? As a wife? What goals can I achieve while my spouse is away? What memories can I create even during a challenging time?"

Well, I certainly am on the right path for achieving goals and creating memories. Last night, I completed the second part to a two-part training on how to teach English as a second Language (ESL). This ESL training was necessary because I plan to spend some time serving at the English Language Center this year, but more importantly, it will help me be better able to communicate with my new family. Don't worry, my mom and Will did not disown me, rather I have volunteered to be a social/cultural ambassador to a refugee family through the Agency for New Americans here in Boise.

I would love to share this amazing family’s story and tell a little bit about each person, but I do not feel comfortable writing about them on the internet as they have been already been through so much. I can, however, mention that this family is from Afghanistan. This was no surprise to me, as I had actually requested to work with an Afghani family for reasons that other people may not understand. Let's just say that my heart told me to do so and, as I learned from Greg Mortensen, when my heart speaks, I will take good notes. I can also tell you that I felt an immediate connection to one of the family members, a girl just a few years younger than me. The family arrived to Boise last Thursday and I had the honor of meeting them on Friday. Needless to say, there was much confusion from both sides as the jet lag and initial adjustment set in. I was happy to have the Agency coordinator with me to smooth the path - and interpret. The meeting was definitely overwhelming, but overwhelming in a good way. I am so happy to have this opportunity as there is so much good that can come from it. I am approaching this new endeavor in a very humble way as I am certain that this family will teach me more than I could ever hope to teach them.

So, here’s to moving past the “why” and finding the “what”.

Feeling the Funk

I decided that I cannot hide my feelings from the blog forever and finally came to terms with the fact that I have been in a bit of a funk lately. I am typically a very strong and independent person, so naturally I hate admitting when things are not going so well. Although I am writing slightly after the fact as I am feeling much better now, I figured that it was still worth reporting. Knowing me and my teeter-totter of emotions, I might be back in my "funk" before too long.

Will left one week ago today for a month of training in California. We went out to dinner the night before he left and I did my usual "night-before panic attack" with tears and the whole deal. I tend to get worked up right before something happens and then when the thing actually happens I am fine. This was the case once again. I dropped him off early Thursday morning with a hug and kiss and a very short goodbye. There is almost nothing more dreadful than a long, drawn-out goodbye. Besides, a month isn't that long...

Well, I drove to Montana that day to spend the weekend with my mom. We had a wonderful time together and I was feeling really good about everything. Moms have a funny way of making everything okay. So, I strutted my confident self back to Boise and that's when it hit me. Okay, the UTI hit me, but also the first signs of the funk. I was fine during the day because I had to go to work and tend to a few other things, but as soon a I got home at night where there was not a routine I just didn't want to do anything. I was talking to myself and crying over everything and really feeling quite pitiful. The worst part is that I started to get really scared for the future - if I cannot handle this, how am I going to deal with a deployment? I felt so weak and vulnerable, characteristics that I would not normally associate with myself. I do not have many close friends in Boise so I could not even seek solace with them. So what did I do? I called my mom. Again, Moms have a funny way of making everything okay. Unfortunately, this one was of those rare times when nothing that my mom could say or do was going to make it better - I had to deal with this on my own.

And that's just what I did. I said, "okay Tabatha, that's enough. You had your pity party and it's time to move on. Yes, it's okay to miss your husband/best friend and to feel a little lost, but it's time to get back on track". I could choose to laugh or choose to cry - the choice was completely mine. There is no need to let events control my mood, I control my mood.

So, although I will not see my husband for three more weeks, I am reminded of a quote that I often tell people (I am good at giving advice, but I suck at taking my own advice) - Instead of counting your days, make your days count. Three weeks is a long period and I am sure that I can make some wonderful accomplishments in that time.

I'm back, confident, strong, and independent as ever...until my husband comes home and wants to take care of me in which case I will let him. I mean, I don't want to hurt his feelings. I hereby declare this funk OVER, let life continue!